can life come to such a stage where you are not even sure if you're at the moment lucky or not, to a stage where luck, if present, has no effect.

clinical depression.

faith.hope.glory.

...when the spark has died
and life hath ceased to be
would you choose, oh would you?
choose to lie by me...


...whither bitter end you choose
we meet again in death past life
might not be as friends or foes
but perhaps just as stone on stone...


life and death, neither without the other. death hath no meaning if life never be.
from Graham Greene - The Quiet American:
"...Death was the only absolute value in my world. Lose life and one would lose nothing again for ever. I envied those who could believe in a God and I distrusted them. I felt they were keeping their courage up with a fable of the changeless and the permanent. Death was far more certain than God, and with death there would be no longer the daily possibility of love dying. The nightmare of a future of boredom and indifference would life. I could never have been a pacifist. To kill a man was surely to grant him an immeasurable benefit. Oh yes, people always, everywhere, loved their enemies. It was their friends they preserved for pain and vacuity."

currently silverbromide.blogspot.com contains photos of graffiti and mutilated signboards

listening to Canon-in-D again. it's been so so so long since i've listened to proper music. so sad. sis learning how to play it on piano, but a easier version. am glad that she is discovering music in a nicer manner than 93.3 stuff.

[sound of music: something good.. maria and the captain] one of the few sound of music stuff that i can tolerate. never was liked the rest.

[josh groban - sil volvieras ami]

[kevin kern - after the rain]

[debussy - arabesque no.1 in E Major]

it's juz winamp randomization. i'm not choosing tracks. but occassionally skipping some.
itchy fingers me am tempted to start another new blog to log all the nice songs, nice books, etc. make a list. since blogs are so free. always can't remember nice songs to download or nice books to buy/borrow. and there is so proper list of nice songs out there. all those charts on radios are utter crap. amazon.com does better.

started combat medic course, been a week. so i really don't have time to blog any rubbish now. but anyone who happens to be in Nee Soon camp can sms me and visit me.

blogshares

oh man, i've discovered this really amusing stock market trading in blogs. hahaha. yup. go check out my blog worth through the link on the bottom-right. the silverbromide blog appears to have been bought, so funny.

You entered: 12/17/1984 You were born on a Monday
under the astrological sign Sagittarius.
Your Life path number is 6.

The Julian calendar date of your birth is 2446051.5.
The golden number for 1984 is 9.
The epact number for 1984 is 27.
The year 1984 was a leap year.

As of 8/22/2004 12:09:10 AM CDT
You are 19 years old.
You are 236 months old.
You are 1,027 weeks old.
You are 7,188 days old.
You are 172,512 hours old.
You are 10,350,729 minutes old.
You are 621,043,750 seconds old.

There are 117 days till your next birthday
on which your cake will have 20 candles on it.

Those 20 candles produce 20 BTU's,
or 5,040 calories of heat (that's only 5.0400 food calories!) .
You can boil 2.29 US ounces of water with that many candles.

There are 125 days till Christmas 2004!

The moon's phase on the day you were
born was waning crescent.

for those who can't resist it anymore, here's the link: bday

related to previous post regarding choice of life and death.
I flipped through this book Ignorance, by Milan Kundera, at the library.
there was a part about this guy, who procured a blue pill via his friend. it's not the viagra pill. it's a suicide pill. and he needed the pill, and kept it with him at all times. He does it because he needed a certainty in his life. He needed to know that he can get out any time he wants, any time he has to. In the face of depression, despair and a messed-up life, he needed a certainty, he needed to be in control of something, of everything. It was not that he took suicide lightly, but that he needed a reassurance. I think it's interesting. Milan Kundera writes such intriguing stories, for those who have the time. he comes under the category of Art, i guess.

yay jiaxin just discovered a nice book and let me read it.

Orson Scott Card: First Meetings - In the Enderverse.

composed of the short stories of
1.The Polish Boy
2.Teacher's Pest
3.Ender's Game
4.Investment Counsellor

1st two stories are really new. as in I have not read them before. after so many years, it's so nice to hear more abt Enderverse. [anyway OSC has never used the word Enderverse b4 this]
Polish Boy = story of Ender's father.
Teacher's Pest = the romance story of Ender's parents
Ender's Game = the original short story, which became the novel
Investment Counsellor = the appearance of Jane
just little tidbits of info i guess. for hardcore fans.

from Investment Counsellor:

"I think I'm rich," she murmured to Andrew.
"I have no idea whether I'm rich or not," said Andrew. "I can't get the computer to stop listing my holdings."
The names of companies kept scrollig up and back, the list going on and on.
"I thought they'd just give you a check for whatever was in the bank when you turned twenty," said Valentine.
"I should be so lucky," said Andrew. "I can't sit here and wait for this."
"You have to," said Valentine. "You can't get through customs without proving that you've paid your taxes and that you have enough left over to support yourself without becoming a drain on public resources."
"What if I didn't have enough money? They send me back?"
"No, they assign you to a work crew and compel you to earn your way free at an extremely unfair rate of pay."
"How do you know that?"
"I don't. Just that I've read a lot of history and I know how governments work. If it isn't that, it'll be the equivalent. Or they'll send you back."
"I can't be the only person who ever landed and discovered that it'll take him a week to find out what his financial situation was," said Andrew. "I'm going to find somebody."
"I'll be here, paying my taxes like a grown-up," said Valentine. "Like an honest woman."
"You make me ashamed of myself," called Andrew blithely as he strode away.

cybermind.com.sg-downloads
some helpful files for pple with DVD drives on their comps and want to circumvent the region-code problem. of course it's illegal, who cares.

beachsquirter.com
bikini bounce
uglydress.com
iawakeintheforest.com
i-am-bored.com
infiltration.org
intuitive diagnostic test
properties of 17
blogofdeath
japanese vending machines
pen twirling video. 9mb.

article: Eats-Blogs-Leaves
something on grammatical errors and laxness in blogs

newyorker.com - errors in Eats, Shoots and Leaves
this quoted passage is not reflective of the content of the article, but an interesting description which i feel applies to myself. the article does a great criticism of the book though.
"Writers, by nature, tend to be people in whom l’esprit de l’escalier is a recurrent experience: they are always thinking of the perfect riposte after the moment for saying it has passed. So they take a few years longer and put it in print. Writers are not mere copyists of language; they are polishers, embellishers, perfecters. They spend hours getting the timing right—so that what they write sounds completely unrehearsed."

apostrophe protection society
some nonsense

tonight i walked up to the lift-door at my block and for a split second was expecting it to open like a shopping centre door. oops.

so Doom 3 is out now. and it's minimum specs are rather over my comp's speed. still, i couldn't help trying. amazingly my P3-866 with 32mb Geforce2MX managed to run the game at lowest settings. slighly jerky, but tolerably playable. am so amazed. apparently reviews/studies showed that the minimum specs of P4-1.5Ghz and 64mb graphics card enables gameplay at intended quality. not bad. experts say that running the game on a good comp is like seeing a CGI movie being rendered in front of your eyes.

but i am very freaked out by the game. it is so scary. it's more like a horror movie. spent like most of the first level shining a flashlight around wondering where are the zombies going to pop out. ghosthouse. eek.

seem to have noticed a larger space on the top of my blog. apparently blogger has started a ring thingy and every blogger blog is inside. well the thing is covered up, together with the advert. it does take you to interesting random blogs though. they're pushing out so many features all of a sudden

.
so it's called the Nav Bar. and it comes in black, silver, tan, blue. black doesnt look v nice, sadly, the logo is in greyscale. and it has replaced the old google advert, which is really great news. much thanks to them. wonder how much revenue they lost.

In the fires of love was life wrought
And through it's dying embers did it grow
One love was given for one life to be
One smile buried for another to see
Is it the cruel curse of fate
Or sad destiny the gods had made
For life to give and sacrifice
For I to die 'fore another thrives
What happened to love's conceited craze
Where is hidden life's selfish face
Must for our happiness a child be born
Does the searing torch have to stay aborne
Perchance if life itself I do not like
What fate if sun's rays burn like the deepest hell
If gratitude for my creator I do not give
And this filthy curse I care not to bear
Then with this life I will seal the end
For life might choose us, but I might choose life.

------

another take on the need to procreate. with SG's reproduction rate of 1.2, so far off 2.1, what's going to happen. but the idea still doesn't appeal to me. i suppose i'm too far deviated from nature's will. i live my life only for myself, and even then already a strain on reason.

it is no doubt amazing how many generations have reproduced to survive down to me. an entire series of procreation entities. so how come i turned out this way? defeats the odds. but of the 2 billion or so who go on, i don't think i'll be in there.

if my genes were selfish, i would create more offspring of my own.
if i were selfish, i would not.
see which is more selfish.

interestingly too, my selfish/unselfish nature would lead to self-termination. which means that my unreproductive trait would not get passed on. so how is it that there are still so many people who refuse to procreate. hah. probable answer, it's not in the genes but nurture's influences.

it was tempting to send it in to the Forum and see if they publish it, but i din want the govt to come aft me. opposition to the National Day Rally.

i choose not to be.

i recently had a thought that being from the upper strata of academia, we might feel that NS is a waste of our time. and that it might appear different to others. [admittedly, this is a not very nice thing to say] i wondered what percentage go thru mono-intake and what percentage go thru Tekong. the experience and treatment is so different. it's just so starkingly different in expectations, aims and methods. they have a bleak future in posting, they have no motivation, no target, no dignity. the shambles of my unit that they see, is so pathetic compared to Tekong. there's no sense of uniqueness for BMT period. there u notice other people training and you are motivated to continue. you see all those morbidly obese fellows who can't do anything. you have something to aim for, for which there is purpose in trying harder. the instructors. yes at least they have proper instructors who are trained and experienced. here, they just drew some people from different units and dunno-wheres and get them to teach. it's so insufficient. so depressing. i feel it's so unfair to them. i just don't understand why they must do this. if it be that this batch will be mostly staying together, they can also enter tekong together and leave together. it'll be a much more rewarding, fulfilling and effective time.
back to the main point. now i had another idea that Everyone is under-used. even those who are not academically inclined. even the drivers, the gunners and infantrymen. they're also working below their capabilities. which is good and bad. bad in that the idleness breeds disdain for the job. good in that it's more relaxing, less-taxing and easier to tolerate and live through.

i wonder if i remembered correctly, but when they announced the service duration cut for national service, they kept stressing that the cut will not compromise on the reliability and readiness of the SAF. how come they did not stress that NS is not unnecessary for the welfare of the nation and that they do try to lessen the burden. they did not seem to highlight that they would gladly reduce the service duration if possible. i suppose this could be inferred and unconsciously felt, but it would be much stronger if said out loud. feeling it, and knowing you feel it, is quite different.

two days ago a chinook flew overhead and one recruit asked the officer if it is really a chinook, and he was marvelling at it. and i was thinking, haha, i've gone on it before, don't think u'll ever get a chance now that u've just gotten downgraded to C9L2. i so do not want to be a storeman or a clerk.

i'm getting so sick of my camp. and my unit. wanna go away. stupid things keep happening. sian-ed. sigh. how. nvm, it'll end soon.
that day i was talking to some other people, people who i'm on chatting terms with after being around for so long. it's just the same notion everywhere. that people want to just grab almost everything that comes by and get away from the camp, if only for a while. what a mentality. doesn't help with the new BMT batch and the new group of people in charge. if the men are not motivated and do not feel a sense of belonging, everything that is done just seems so fake. it's all done just to show you. and no one means what they do. it used to be better. with all the exercises and such. at least it was practice, practice for attack, battle, war. even though it was outfield, there was a better spirit then. the disease spreads and rots away.

silverbromide.blogspot.com

Hey everyone here's my new photoblog which i'll be dumping a lot more photos on, yup. just to keep the reading in peace. starting will be Pulau Ubin photos. not that i've always got new photos.. sigh. anyway, i'm fine with other pple uploading photos too, so tell me if u wanna do that. =]

I have struggled to stay integrated as a human being despite efforts of academic institutions to make me over or deny my existence.

quote from a sociology textbook. written by a Pueto Rican in USA in reference to prejudice of the society against her kind. she was fortunate enough to be able to have a good education, thanks to the hard labour of her family.

another great excuse to have around
sleep disorder channel

Circadian Rhythms

Circadian rhythms pertain to changes in body function that occur throughout a 24-hour period. Circa is the Latin word for “about,” and diem is the Latin word for “day.” The body operates with many circadian rhythms, such as body temperature regulation, endocrine (gland and hormone) function, airway function, and kidney (renal) function.

For instance, body temperature slowly rises throughout the day, drops dramatically around midnight, and begins to rise again before 6 a.m. These changes in temperature are often felt during fever, when fluctuations are intensified by high body temperature. The body also regulates breathing patterns. So patients with asthma often have more bronchoconstriction and more difficulty with their asthma during the night when airway function fluctuates to compensate for sleep.

Mental alertness and the propensity to fall asleep are regulated by circadian rhythm. There are two peak times of day at which a person is most susceptible to falling asleep, 3 a.m. to 5 a.m. and 3 p.m. to 5 p.m. This circadian tendency has serious ramifications in our society. There are a disproportionate number of automobile accidents between 3 a.m. and 5 a.m. compared to the number of people on the road at these times. This increase in automobile accidents is partly attributable to conflicts between circadian rhythms and, for instance, atypical lifestyle or shift work constraints that put drivers on the road at these times. Decreased vigilance can combine with sleepiness and result in an accident. Apparently, circadian rhythms are evident in all types of activity.

Most people have experienced the urge to fall asleep in the late afternoon, after eating lunch. It is not necessarily the food that makes people want to fall asleep at this time, but the time of day. Again, the routines of environment conflict with circadian rhythms, which can influence one’s ability to function.

All the rhythms mentioned above occur in humans within a cycle of approximately 24 hours. The exact length of the cycle is not known and is probably slightly longer than 24 hours, perhaps 24.7 to 25 hours. These natural rhythms occur even in the absence of daylight or darkness. Studies in which people live without any way of knowing what time of day it is have shown that these people continue to follow a 24-hour schedule. That is, they sleep for about eight hours, and their waking activity levels correlate with those found for individuals under normal conditions of time and light-dark cycles. It seems the influence of circadian rhythm is unavoidable.

People naturally synchronize their internal clocks with day-night cycles, which allows them to be awake during the day and to sleep during the night. The body regulates this chiefly through the eyes. Light stimulates nerves in the retina that pass a signal through a chain of nerves to the brain. Some of these nerves feed the hypothalamus, a part of the brain that regulates body temperature, water and sugar ratios, and fluid secretions and which houses the suprachiasmatic nucleus, a bundle of nerves that controls the body’s circadian rhythms. When, for example, bright light stimulates the optic nerves, the optic nerves send the signal to the suprachiasmatic nucleus, which then triggers circadian rhythms, resulting in the synchronization of the body's 24-hour cycle with the earth's 24 hour cycle.

might sound similar to some people. perhaps a great excuse for our behaviour too!
sleep disorder channel

Delayed sleep phase syndrome (DSPS), sometimes called phase lag syndrome, is a sleep disorder of circadian rhythm. However, unlike jet lag, and the effects of shift work, delayed sleep phase syndrome is a persistent disorder. In fact, in clinical settings, it is, perhaps, the most commonly seen complication of sleep-wake patterns.

Delayed sleep phase syndrome results from a disturbance between the patient’s internal biological clock and the external environment. Again, unlike jet lag, this desynchronization is not activated by travel or change in external environment. Rather, the patient’s propensity to fall asleep is simply “delayed” in relation to that of the general public. Subsequently, a patient who is experiencing DSPS is out of phase with the routine that governs most of his or her life.

A person with this disorder is typically unable to fall asleep before 2 a.m. and has great difficulty waking early, say by 7 a.m. These people are sometimes called "night owls" or described as "not being morning people." If allowed to sleep a full seven to eight hours, i.e. until 10 a.m., they feel rested and function normally. Unfortunately, this is not usually the case.

The main difficulty for a person with DSPS is meeting the expectations of society, i.e. functioning early for school or work. A person with DSPS may lose jobs or fail courses in school. So, this syndrome affects individuals on a social level at the same time that it compromises their health and hygiene.

Patients with DSPS may initially refer to their symptoms as insomnia. Again, the significance that society places on traditional sleep-wake patterns usually dictates what is normal. And as soon as people deviate from a normal sleep pattern, they tend to assume they are not capable of sleep at all. But this is not true. Patients who suffer from DSPS are able to get plentiful sleep; it’s just postponed. If they can sleep until they are ready to wake, patients with DSPS can experience rewarding sleep. The reality is that DSPS usually makes it hard to wake up, as the patient simultaneously indulges his or her late night sleep routine and yields to the wake routine of society.

Diagnosis is based on sleep history, and treatment ranges from learning to respond differently to external indicators of sleep-wake time to practicing new and proper sleep habits.

Incidence
The exact incidence of delayed sleep phase syndrome is unknown. In one recent study, DSPS accounted for 40 percent of disorders involving sleep-wake schedules among 5000 participants. It is estimated to affect 7 percent of teenagers and to be the cause in 10 percent of chronic insomnia cases. Although DSPS usually surfaces in childhood, it is seen most frequently in young adults, especially men, which suggests a concurrence with lifestyle.

it just so weird being on the other side of the army BMT process. watching how the doctor has to be strict with them. even tho he doesn't really want to. how we all get tired of them coming with 'silly' problems. but some of them really do have genuine injuries. and you can't tell without examining them first. and he'll always lament: "why do we have to treat them this way, nobody likes to be treated this way." being a new guy, too bad he has to be a little more strict at the start. ah well.

erm... big boom(s) lor

mushroom clouds!

that's the 'rain shower' firework.

here's a big one. there's a big kind that's so high it's almost above you and you have to strain your neck upwards to see it

hm all red. would be useful as a bkgrd or sth

with it's slow and unadjustable shutter speed

can't help my lousy camera

Fireworks 01Aug04

so i've gone through practically a whole week without bothering with the Net, seems like i'm getting used to this life. is that gd or bad. sigh. a thoroughly hectic week where i've practically worked everyday. all thanks to connor being away for so much of the time, sigh. i've been so crazily occupied this week that i just went through it in a daze. spent most of the time in MO room typing away with the daily impossible to finish queues. got a little sick, couldn't quite work up my fever/flu. so it just made me sickly for a coupla days and went away. after a coupla days i was so tired/lethargic/bochap/indifferent/sian/dead. i was more content to be left alone to type. instead of trying to figure out the mayhem outside. it's so much better than having to face stupid people and do stupid work and work with stupid people and bothering. seeing patients is so much easier. it's nice to hear what's going on with each and every patient. nice to hear things from the MO. nice to type. what a crazy time BMT is. i dun suppose it'll get better for the time being. so much trouble. i want to go back to school. any school. study anything. even history, law, medicine.
and unhappy things happened this week. everywhere. and i was unhappy. but part of me couldn't care. and other people were unhappy. but i had to care. and life goes on.

went to visit Keith yesterday with half the class. poor guy is stuck at home for months. not even allowed to step out a single bit. and banned from eating like almost all food... bike accident, fluid accumulating in brain, Op-ed to drain fluids, having this horrendously large scar on his skull. woah woah. so poor thing. and he can't even remember the incident now. had to be told what happened. other than getting tired easily, he's mentally fine, which is great, looking at the scar. and he keeps complaining that he has no other bruises or wounds on any other part of the body, despite apparently having crashed off his bike while going downhill. which leads him to suspect foul play, ambush, set-up, aliens. yeah. hope he recovers quickly, school starts in exactly a year and he can't concentrate more than 10-20 mins right now. so horrible.

I thought I saw a man brought to life
He was warm
He came around and he was dignified
He showed me what it was to cry
Well you couldn't be that man I adored
You don't seem to know
Seem to care what your heart is for
But I don't know him anymore
There's nothing where he used to lie
The conversation has run dry
That's what's going on
Nothing's fine I'm torn

I'm all out of faith
This is how I feel
I'm cold and I am shamed
Lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed
Into something real
I'm wide awake
And I can see
The perfect sky is torn
You're a little late
I'm already torn

So I guess the fortune teller's right
Should have seen just what was there
And not some holy light
it crawled beneath my veins
And now I don't care
I had no luck
I don't miss it all that much
There's just so many things
That I can touch I'm torn

I'm all out of faith
This is how I feel
I'm cold and I am shamed
Lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed
Into something real
I'm wide awake
And I can see
The perfect sky is torn
You're a little late
I'm already torn
Torn

There's nothing where he used to lie
My inspiration has run dry
That's what's going on
Nothing's right I'm torn

I'm all out of faith
This is how I feel
I'm cold and I am shamed
Lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed
Into something real
I'm wide awake
And I can see
The perfect sky is torn

I'm all out of faith
This is how I feel
I'm cold and I'm ashamed
Bound and broken on the floor
You're a little late
I'm already torn
Torn.

song of the moment, and how i feel

colin's captivating eyes

sneak picture, too bad =p

...group photo...hm. something's weird

another one, with flash. and with more of mingwei's face in it, and more even now heh

the class guys, courtesy of weiliang's idea, weiliang = the gold-haired monkey right in front

ah got a more crowded picture of the canteen

that's the picture of BLACK fq, burnt you-know-where-by-looking-at-her-shirt

a few thousand junk food stalls ripping money off pple. was the hottest place around. chocolate brownie! pizza, cheese fries, cheese sotong balls, ice kacang, rojak, whatnot, even coconut??? which overseas pple like FQ held so dearly

pple pple everywhere

real cool game. they just hurl empty cans and bottles over the thing and then u catch with the pails. it's just simple fun, better than the other games. yup. dunno, it looked fun

can see the dunking thing in this photo, see the guy in the middle sitting on a contraption in front of a white board, with the pool under him. !!! i dunno what's that castle thing.. for kids

ze central plaza, okay there were more balloons than i remembered

nice big balloons lining the 2nd floors. the balloons are so taut they like start bursting by themselves =] but i popped one by pinching with my nails

ze field too. there's a dunk-the-teacher in water for $100 thingy in the backgroud

HCJC Homecoming Fest

lightstick cones, rollerskating whiz with 'modded' skates that has lights. 'gang' of pple practising you-know-where

outside esplanade, reflection

nice looking shadow on the floor and a 'moving' feeling

queer guy, almost bald, got this patch of hair on left back, with a long long tail/whatever going quite long down. what a weird way to leave your hair. took a sneak picture on my phone while 'strolling' past, so not very well taken. lala. veird

Star Wars Episode III : Revenge of the Sith
still slated for 19 may 05, but guess no more ord on that date

http://www.economist.com/world/asia/displayStory.cfm?story_id=2945884

got this link from yuyi.
i love it.
especially the last line.
rather nicely written